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| forgotten solider |
 Posted: Mon Mar 12, 2007 7:08 pm |
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Casual Reader
Joined: 12 Mar 2007
Posts: 9
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ive lost my touch
it all turns to ice
just like your heart
when will my pain suffice
ice burns my hands
as i get close to you
you push me away
what am i to do
ice sheilds your heart
from whats out side
its my love
yet still you hide
the shield wont break
no matter my might
i will never stop
for what is right
my body so cold
and badly bruised
from the damage you caused
as i come to
i realized ive let you down
ive lost my touch
i cared too much
i got too close
and i just froze
i caught your flaw
to make my own
just so you didnt
suffer alone |
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| Oblivion |
| Posted: Mon Mar 12, 2007 7:20 pm |
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Site Admin
Joined: 11 Mar 2007
Posts: 81
Location: The Abyss
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| As with all of your stuff... it's reeally deep |
_________________
Live Life Like A Poem |
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| the roverandom |
| Posted: Tue Mar 13, 2007 9:14 pm |
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Casual Reader
Joined: 11 Mar 2007
Posts: 7
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It's a cool idea. Ha, get it? Cool? I like what it's saying, but I don't like how it's said. Now, this is a personal preference, but I'm not a fan of rhyming without at least a constant rhythm in the lines. At least have a similar syllable count. Additionally, while the imagery and the "story" is really solid and piercing, the poem sounds simple and uncrafted, giving it a juvenile feel. I'd say go over this again, try editing it. Poetry is a craft, not verbal vomit with chunks of uncommon words and sensationalist adjectives.
Okay, I'm done with the tearing. This is, when viewed uncritically and on a personal level, a deep and heartfelt poem. It makes me wonder what happened, especially because I, as a proper teen, can relate. The ice metaphor is strong and extended through out and makes really good connections, letting me view what happened in a different way. Keep working. |
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